hardwearing | [ MEADOWLARK ] IC Inbox

[ Even if she isn't mad at him and Wash knows it, her clipped tone has him withdrawing slightly because. Well. She may be about to be.

Might as well rip off this bandage. ]

I killed him. Alph--Church. He didn't want to help with any of it, I goaded him into it and he really believed he was a ghost and would be fine. The EMP was my idea, my fault, and he probably hates me for it more than he hates Caboose.

[ There's an unspoken hint of 'and I hate myself' that drifts in. ]

Just thought you should know that.

[ that too-obvious hint of guilt has carolina deflating a little, still upset at alpha's appearance, more upset because she's upset to begin with, but wash doesn't need her to be combative right now. she knows that. this is his side of a story she's heard the sims tell before, something she's never heard.

she's a long way from being comforting, but she manages to pull herself together enough to take a deep breath, letting it out as she folds her arms across her chest- her tone improves, but she needs to stay physically tense a little longer. ]

Given the stories, I don't think Alpha hating you is anything special. You made a tactical decision. It's understandable.

He was a complete asshole, I didn't even feel bad about it until way later. Until after the Blues took me in.

[ There, he said it. He wasn't in a place where he could have warmed to anyone, but certainly didn't warm to Alpha. Part of him straight up doesn't understand how Maine could be dating someone like that Church, but... Epsilon, Wash had warmed to. Even if they'd never really smoothed things out. Maybe there would've been a chance for it to happen with Alpha if Wash had been less broken.

Possibly not. But... ]

...he was a person and their friend and I don't know if any of them really understood what was happening when they drove away. And Maine doesn't know it was my fault. Him finding out is going to go worse than Tucker.

[ it's oddly validating, to hear wash talk so plainly about not liking alpha. she makes a point not to outright dislike people without a reason, largely disregarding outside opinions until she's made her own judgement. between the way the sims talked about alpha and the way epsilon did, however, she's not holding her breath to like the guy. it might not really be alpha's fault - she's far too familiar with his source and the way he was treated to create the fragments - but carolina isn't optimistic. ]

Wash, Tucker practically adored Alpha. [ for reasons unknown. ] I really doubt Maine is going to care half that much.

[ Wash blinks, pulled from dark thoughts of what Maine would think of him back to what Carolina knows -- or doesn't. ]

He didn't ment-- well, it can't hurt to tell you, they're not hiding it. Maine says they're dating. And if he moves in, Church comes with.

[ carolina opens her mouth to respond only to find that she's not actually sure of what she's just heard. it seems... unlikely, regardless of what shared experience maine and alpha must have had on the station they'd been held on. she must have misunderstood. it takes a few seconds to find any words at all, considering. ]

I'm sorry, Maine says what?

[ please tell her she misheard that. ]

He's dating Church.

I didn't ask how, but I kinda still want to. And also really don't, even if Maine punching me wasn't a concern? It's weird but I think the bigger issue is I personally killed him.

[ that's too many times for it to be carolina misunderstanding something and wash doesn't seem like he's jumping to conclusions there, so this is... a thing. the hows and whys are inevitably going to drive her crazy, but that's a problem for later. for now, she raises a hand to rub at her eyes and takes a deep breath. ]

Okay. But you didn't have this problem when Maine showed up and you helped the Reds kill him, too. Is it just because Church might bring it up?

[ Something dark creeps into Wash's expression as part of him shuts down, hard and cold like cell bars. He can practically feel the clang reverberate through his bones. ]

I didn't kill Maine. I defended myself against a thing that was wearing Maine like another suit of armor. Whoever the Meta wound up being, it wasn't Maine. It wasn't our friend, wasn't--

[ He hears the tremor in his voice before he feels it in his limbs. It feels like his eyes are burning, and he blinks angrily to clear them. ]

Seeing hints of him left in there was my mistake.

[ Wash doesn't answer the question -- of course Church would bring it up... except Maine didn't know yet, so maybe he wouldn't? He really needs to talk to Church himself. Yeah. But not right now, obviously.

His jaw works for a moment, as he tries to decide whether or not to turn away. ]

And the AI that got sent to Blood Gulch was the same broken sort of thing the Meta was, once the Director was done with him. With both of them.

[ once sigma had pulled enough strings to ruin them both, but that's the last fragment carolina wants to bring up right now. this moment is bad enough as it is, when she can see wash shutting down but doesn't yet feel like she has her footing well enough to help. ]

They might not have been what Church and Maine were, but I don't think you can blame yourself for one and not the other. That's not fair.

Then I guess I get to blame myself for both.

[ He just sounds tired now. Wrung out. ]

I know they want out of the Safehouse, and it would've taken me months to save up if Angela hadn't helped us with this place. You can decide whether our offer still stands.

I want- [ she cuts herself off on a frustrated sound, forces a slow exhale. her getting heated right now isn't helping, she knows that. she's trying. ]

I think your opinion on that is a little more important than mine right now. Because, look, you can blame yourself or you can accept that they were both unpleasant but necessary decisions you made as a leader. What's done is done.

I wasn't being a leader, I just..... wanted revenge.

[ Don't make it sound better than it is, Carolina. Even if Wash's vengeance and Alpha's death meant Epsilon survived. ]

Either way I have to talk to him and then live with it, so. I'd rather have Maine close than Church farther, if that makes sense?

[ revenge is one of those tricky topics they don't bring up often. they both know what it feels like, both own up to mistakes they made when they were blinded by it, but it's still a heavy thing to have in common. right now, it's not a helpful thing to get into, so carolina files that first statement from wash away for later and tries to focus on the conversation at hand instead. ]

Yeah. I... wish Maine was here. [ it's not the first time she's expressed that. it is the first time she's sounded guilty about it. ] If you'll be okay with it and Alpha's comfortable living with us, the room's open for them.

Okay. I'll tell him, and we'll go from there.

[ He seems to pause a moment, but he's messaging Maine back. It's been a hot minute since he asked the other man to hod on. Then, as he turns his attention back to Carolina, something else occurs to him. Not for the first time, but as a more definite potential awkward spot. ]

What are we going to... how do we want to explain that we've only been using one bed anyway? [ Are they dating, too? No, right? But they're certainly making out plenty. Wash worries a little what to call them, and if a label is even necessary. ] I guess we could just say that?

[ the second there's a pause in the conversation, carolina starts moving again; at least it's not aimlessly pacing now, but moving to the fridge to get herself a drink, even though she seems to forget that when wash talks to her again. and this is something else they don't talk about, for a completely different reason. ]

I don't think that just telling them we both suffer from nightmares is unreasonable, given what we've been through. That's, um...

[ there's a few false starts of sound there, carolina making an almost flailing sort of hand gesture as if to make up for her ineloquence. oh god, she doesn't want to talk about this. ]

That's the bulk of it, right?

[ Wash seems to wilt a little, not at the proposition but the fumbling afterwards like whatever it is they're doing (mostly making out when the mood strikes) is something she's want to hide from Maine. A month and change ago, she would've been right but now? ]

...is that still the bulk of it?

[ He doesn't want this to just be convenience, he finds. ]

[ it would have been a lot easier if wash had just agreed, if they'd continued not talking about the bed sharing and the kissing and everything else. every time thoughts of this conversation have crept up before, carolina's been able to ignore them, push them aside in favour of just appreciating this friendship-and-more she has with wash. ideally, they never would have talked about it, but he deserves a lot better than her deflecting. no matter how much she wants to right now.

carolina folds her arms across her chest again, but not in irritation, just needing something to feel a little more secure as she forces herself to look at wash and be honest. ]

No. It's a lot more complicated than that and I don't know how to describe it, but you know how I feel about you, don't you?

[ he can feel it, thanks to whatever the hell they had done to them when they got here. she doesn't have to use her words, usually. ]

Of course I know, I can feel it whenever we-- I know. I guess we don't owe them any explanation.

[ It's not actually that important to him to put a label on it, and he doesn't want to screw it up with the expectations that come with being a thing. ]

I'm just pretty sure Church will ask. And probably be a dick about it if we fumble, so that you're ready for that.

[ church is likely to be a dick about it whether they fumble or not, carolina thinks, but that's not helpful right now. they've already agreed that they want maine in their space and that alpha's just going to be part of that now. she doesn't want to complain about him before she's even met him, especially not right now.

so she just nods, glancing away from wash while she tries to find the words for what she wants to express, expression furrowed. dating is an alarmingly foreign concept at this point in her life, but what she has now with wash is significantly past him just being her best friend. ]

We don't really owe anybody an explanation, no.

[ except maybe each other. carolina takes a breath, lifts her head to watch his face. ]

Would this be easier if we had a word for it?

Easier for who? Other people or us? I think it'd be easier for everyone else but I don't feel like you and I need a label. I mean, we're playing it by ear, right?

[ Which is also kind of nerve wracking in its own way, for someone like Wash, but he tries to lighten the mood a little. ]

We could make up a word that means exactly what we want it to but then there'd just be more to explain.

[ He can tell how tense she is, too, and gestures to her to come closer. ]

[ the thought of just making up a word has carolina letting out an amused little huff, so much of her tension releasing all at once with the exhale. it figures, wash only has to say one dumb sounding thing and she instantly feels better. she's still worried about what interacting with alpha is going to be like, still a little worried about how four particularly stubborn people in a little apartment is going to go, but she's not worried about him, at least. ]

I really don't think a made-up word is the answer here.

[ as she talks, her arms drop down to her sides and carolina moves closer, obeying that little beckoning gesture. she stops just shy of touching wash, but well within touching distance. he can initiate the contact and the bond that will inevitably come with it first, if he wants. ]

Then let's not bother right now.

[ He closes the distance with a step in, gently wrapping one arm around her shoulders and the other around her waist. There's technically no skin contact yet because of their shirts, but he does give her an impromptu little massage, trying to get some of the tension she's carrying tight in her back to release. ]

Do you want to lie down so I can do this properly, or go for a run or something first?

I'd rather go for a run.

[ but she has no desire to pull away from wash just yet, clearly, because instead of pulling away, she just leans into him, letting her forehead rest against his shoulder. the massage is a nice gesture, but the embrace relieves more tension than carolina's really comfortable admitting.

with her face effectively hidden from his gaze, what she decides to say next comes out a little easier. ]

But... I'm okay to call this dating if you are.

I'd go with you.

[ But since she isn't pulling away he's going to keep this up, letting her rest her head and relax her weight against him.

When she speaks again, his hands go still for a moment... then slowly one settles over the back of her neck protectively, the bond engaged. He's nervous, again, a little uncertain because this is sort of new territory for him, but mostly there's a quiet warm happiness spreading between them. ]

Shit. I guess we have to go on a real date.

[ It's another attempt at diffusing the tension, Wash doesn't actually care about acting normal. About being normal, they won't be, probably not even in this. But they do most things together anyway. And yes, he's okay with it. He turns his head slightly and presses a kiss to her too-short hair. ]

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