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[hardwearing]

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[hardwearing]

[ It's not his lap, but he'll take it. Probably the best he can hope for, right now, and he lets go of her wrist so she can press her hands to her face. Maybe he doesn't have any right to put his arm around her right now... he should say something first, so he doesn't just look like a massive jerk who doesn't love his girlfriend. ]

Kyna, I'm... I haven't... look, it's been at least twelve years since anyone said something like that to me, probably longer and I was never great at saying it back.

[ He twists his fingers together in his lap, frowning slightly. ]

Part of me says it's just a word, one that doesn't mean enough, and proving it is more important. But that's not true, is it?

[evocation]

[That catches her off guard, and it takes her a long moment to uncover her face, and even longer to respond.]

I... I don't know. I've never... I mean. I'm not good at saying it either. And I've never dated anyone that's said it to me.

[So she doesn't know how this goes, either.]

You don't have to say it. Just forget it.

[hardwearing]

I'm not going to forget it.

[ Saying it back, however, feels more important than it probably should. In light of everything they've been for each other, considering their plans for a future after Hadriel. His dog tags around around Kyna's neck even now, and to a lot of people that would read as an 'I love you' but he didn't present them that way. A commitment, yes, but not a declaration of anything. Wash feels like the combination of everything is what's already proven he does. He's self aware to process that. So why is it so hard to spit it out? ]

When did you realize?

[evocation]

[Kyna's mouth twists. She's not sure how to take that, so she just focuses on the question, fingers toying with his dog tags.]

Remember when we were all getting sick? When you thought I was going to break up with you, and I told you all the reasons I wouldn't. That's when I knew.

[hardwearing]

[ Wash nods slightly, and can't curb the impulse any longer. He reaches over, settling a hand on Kyna's back and stroking gently between her shoulderblades. ]

I remember. Everything you said to me.

[ Spit it out, man. Just tell her. What's there to be afraid of that they haven't already done? Making things official hadn't changed much, he'd been scared of that too. This shouldn't be any different. ]

[evocation]

[It takes a second, but she finally settles in his lap, burying her face in his shoulder. He was so feverish it's a wonder he remembers, but it's a relief, too. Still, she's so overcome with anxiety that something else she's been thinking about far too much pops out.]

When we get home, it might take me a while to get the spell to work, and I keep thinking... I'm afraid you're just gonna get sick of waiting.

[hardwearing]

[ Kyna shifts into his lap and Wash lets out a slow breath, wrapping his arms around her and holding on. It helps more than he knows how to explain. Her weight is slight but grounding, comforting. He's gearing up to say the actual words but she speaks first, and... throws him off completely. ]

What? Why?

[evocation]

[She doesn't know how to explain it, but she loops her arms around him and tries anyway.]

I don't know. Things might change when you get home.

[hardwearing]

A lot of things will. From what the others have told me, the war's going to end and there'll be something else to face. Things always change. But I don't think... this is going to be one of them.

[ He gives Kyna a little squeeze when he says "this", settling his chin on top of her head. ]

I don't let go of anything easy. Mostly that's been a bad thing... grudges, you know? But it's the good, too. We'll be apart for awhile, but you'll still be with me. Okay?

I love you.

[evocation]

[Kyna just listens quietly, and halfway through she thinks she'd be absolutely fine if he didn't return her words—this is more than enough. Then he says it anyway, and her heart skips a beat, breath catching. She pulls back, a slow grin spreading across her face.]

I love you, too.

[She says it just to say it, as though testing the exchange out.]

[hardwearing]

[ Well that was terrifying. He manages to grin back a little, nervously, and lifts a hand to stroke her cheek. ]

Glad that's settled.

[evocation]

[The elation catches up with her and she laughs, leaning forward to kiss him.]

Are you sure I didn't freak you out?

[hardwearing]

A little. I think stuff like this always does. But it's not like I didn't already know, on some level. You show it.

[ He hopes he does, too? That she wouldn't have thought he didn't just because he couldn't say it back. And it's the most natural thing in the world now to close the distance and kiss her, his hand still warm on her cheek. ]

[evocation]

[She kisses him back, slipping her fingers through his hair, and when she pulls away, it's just far enough to rest her forehead against his.]

Does that mean I was losing my mind for a month for nothing?

[hardwearing]

Were you really? You could've said it then, I guess, but I was a mess. Now's probably better.

[evocation]

I almost did a few times, but... I don't know. I was scared.

[hardwearing]

Because you thought I didn't?

[evocation]

[She shrugs a little, combing her fingers through his hair.]

Maybe. Or I thought it might scare you off, or...

[She's not really sure what she thought. Even in platonic scenarios, she's never been good at this. Harlan had said it to her first, and when she'd told Tucker she loved him, it had turned into her awkwardly explaining that she hadn't meant she was in love with him. None of these conversations have ever really gone smoothly for her.]

I didn't know what would happen.

[hardwearing]

[ Wash realizes it probably isn't entirely about him. He'd fumbled several times before, whenever this kind of thing came up. Defining it, then reestablishing it after she'd come back from home. So yes, not a great track record at dealing with relationship shit in words, but the actions... he felt like he'd always done okay there? Kyna must have known he did feel something so it's likely her doubts weren't entirely his fault. He does feel bad she was freaking for a month and he didn't notice, though. ]

Do you feel better now?

[evocation]

Yes.

[She smiles a little again.]

Sorry. I was psyching myself out. I've just never felt this way about anyone else.

[hardwearing]

You should've picked someone who knows what the hell they're doing, honestly.

[ He's mostly joking -- his smile is back, and he knows full well you can't pick and choose who you feel things for. But there's a point there as well. He knows he's not great at this. They're just fumbling through together. ]

[evocation]

[That gets her to laugh, shaking her head firmly.]

Oh, god, no way. Then I'd be freaking out even more. You're perfect.

[hardwearing]

That doesn't make any sense, Kyna.

[evocation]

What? It makes total sense. If we're both screwing up together it's less scary. If I was screwing up all the time and you knew what you were doing I'd feel like an asshole.

[hardwearing]

But you were still scared. And I'm not crazy about how I keep upsetting you every time I take too long to get my head on straight.