hardwearing | [ MEADOWLARK ] IC Inbox

He misses Alpha.

[ obviously. but she'd felt that empty, raw ache in him and it's stuck with her. ]

I'm not sure what's set him off before, but with me, he was himself until we screwed up and accidentally activated the bond. I don't know if I did it or... I don't know.

I know. And he's really uncomfortable with the bond. He refused to use it with me at all even when he couldn't explain something and I was trying to help.

And he should trust you. He did. Maybe he just has to get used to it, like you did. I don't know.

No... I blame the other Wash for that as much as anything.

[ He sighs, leaning back in his chair. ]

He said that guy was an asshole, like all the time. I have to wonder if it was a version of me from before...

[ from before he found his place on blue team, she can guess. ]

It might have been. Outside of knowing that he dies, I have no idea how far along those other versions of us were.

Maine wasn't all that specific but we also don't know who told him what. There were a bunch of people there, it seems like.

Seems like people came and went, too. I wish we knew more, so we could help him.

[ she wishes maine sought out someone in his head after alpha the same way carolina was desperate to find something to soothe her mind when she missed epsilon. the bond might not be the same, but there are enough similarities that carolina's found comfort in it, when her head's felt too empty. ]

Yeah... but we don't, so we have to learn to work around it.

[ Wash sounds determined. He isn't giving up on Maine. ]

[ carolina nods; that determination is familiar to her, after all, when she's so resolved to doing her best to keep maine and wash both safe, resolved to doing better than she did.

which makes her stomach roll with guilt again and she stops pushing her food around her plate in an attempt to coax herself into eating it, closing her eyes instead. ]

Is it wrong that I left him? Should I have insisted he come over, so he wasn't alone?

No. I don't think we should push too hard. Not yet, anyway. It might have set him off again.

[ And he doesn't want to think about that happening, about Carolina being hurt worse for trying to help. ]

You're right.

[ she hopes he's right. ]

I just couldn't... I was overwhelmed and I feel so bad for it now.

He probably was, too. We'll give him some space to process it, then I'll check in.

[ carolina nods, hopes that's enough for wash to understand she's grateful for him saying he's going to do it. not that he doesn't care about maine, she knows he does, but it makes her feel better to know that even if she balks, wash will still try to talk to him. to know they can make the effort together, if she doesn't feel steady enough to do it alone.

she looks down at her plate again, tries to will herself to eat even a tiny bit more of it right now and gives up when her stomach rolls again, just setting her fork down and closing her eyes as she moves his makeshift ice pack over to the middle of her face, setting it over the tender spot between her eyes. ]

I'm... not really hungry anymore. Maybe we should just go to bed.

[ not to sleep. she doesn't see herself sleeping any time soon. ]

[ Wash winces in sympathy as she puts her fork down and ices her face, standing to clear the table. ]

Sure. Just take the ice, okay? I'll be right in.

[ she makes a little noise of acknowledgement (and she's really not going to fight about icing her face right now; it's helping her head throb a little less) and glances up, looking at wash over the kitchen towel. ]

Do you need a hand cleaning the kitchen?

No, I've got it. I'll be right in, okay?

Okay.

[ it's soft, grateful, and carolina doesn't argue, just gets to her feet so she can go into their bedroom.

when wash joins her, she'll be on her side of the bed, sitting at the head against the wall, knees drawn up to her chest and her head tilted back so she can balance the bundle of ice on her face without having to hold it up. ]

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